Navigating Mum Guilt: Understanding the Common Struggle

We.

That idea of feeling guilty as a mum, feeling guilty all the time.

Oh, gosh.

I know that feeling.

Actually.

I wonder, do you think all mums have that feeling?

I think we do.

I think we do.

It'll.

It might show in different ways.

So.

Okay.

I think for some moms, it's feeling guilty that you can't juggle both work and the children.

For some mums, that might possibly have been me.

Why can't I be one of those mums who can bake happily with their children and make a mess?

Why can't I be one of those mums who loves crafting, but I'm just.

Not one of them?

My one was, why can't I be one of those mums who leaves the house and I look perfectly dressed.

I haven't got, like marks and stains and everything on me.

I just like.

Yeah.

I was like, why?

Why is that not me?

Why can't I be like those mums?

I see?

How did they do it?

I know, it's.

What is it?

The comparison is the Thief of Joy.

Isn't that one?

Yeah, I know.

I swear, I never saw another mum as disheveled as me.

I don't think that existed.

I mean, I always get the best compliments, so.

You look amazing.

I'm like, oh, today I brushed my hair.

Thank you.

Thank you for that.

I'm gonna own that one.

Thank you.

Actually talking of it like that, it's like, it's true.

It's like it's you.

You brushed your hair one day.

You know, it's like, oh, wow.

I actually paid attention to myself.

But I have moms who don't even go to the toilet.

Wow.

They'll hold on and hold on.

I mean, it's just that I got interrupted or you have an audience.

Do.

Do these poor moms have an audience for two minutes?

You know, you disappear, like for two minutes, if that, to go to the toilet.

Yeah.

No, apparently you're needed.

You can't be spared for two minutes.

I mean, that way lies bladder infections.

I'm going to be brutally honest there.

That's.

That's.

That's quite an important self care.

Self care thing.

Well, and here's the thing, right?

So.

So that's what we're missing.

Like we're so busy feeling guilty about what we're not doing as a parent.

Yeah.

We don't actually even get to feeling guilty about neglecting ourselves.

I don't think.

I don't think enough moms manage to think about themselves.

No.

You get so wrapped up in it.

And then you, you are just so exhausted by the end of the day, you.

There is no space to think about what you need, aside from maybe a warm cup of tea, I mean, or.

A glass of wine.

Or a glass of wine or gin.

I'm going to go back to the toilet example.

But thinking about how we can have sort of moments of self care or, you know, really trying our best to look after ourselves is having special toilet books for the children so they can sit.

It's okay, Mummy's going to the loo.

Here are your special books just for the toilet.

You may read books only here, so I may avail myself of the facilities keeping an eye on you.

Yeah, but it's true, isn't it?

I think a big part of it is unless you've kind of got a community or your family around where you can call up and say, I just.

Can you take the children for a couple of hours?

Or could you come in for an hour or so?

Or husband, father, could you just take half a day off work?

I just need that pause.

That's almost like a luxury that we don't have these days.

I feel like some mums do, but a lot don't.

You know, there just isn't that time and space for ourselves.

So spending all this time feeling guilty about what we're not doing for our kids, we're completely neglecting what we're not doing for ourselves.

Yeah.

We still want to be there doing more for our kids.

Why you talked about comparison.

Is that what it is?

Are we comparing all the time that we should be doing better?

I think there is a bit of that.

And I also think because I think because of education system, society at the moment is quite competitive.

There is a sense of everything has to be happening at this particular stage and if it doesn't happen at this particular stage, you have failed.

And the kind of.

The fear of failure is very much built into a lot of elements of societal expectations now.

And we feel that with our children.

And it actually, I mean, I've had conversations with mums who have been just run ragged.

And you say, well, maybe only have three activities, extracurricular activities a week rather than five.

Maybe cut it down.

And they're just the kind of.

Although they want to break the thought of actually letting go.

And he says just for a term.

Can give up ballet for a term.

Is little Gertrude going to be joining the Royal Ballet Age 11?

No, no, no.

So you could probably give it up for a term.

It's.

It's really hard.

I think A lot.

So.

So we're trying to do too much.

Like, we see mummy does the baking, so we want to be the baking mum.

We see the mummy does the school trips and takes the kids after school activities.

So we want to be the mum who does that.

We want to be the mum who does all those things.

Only then are we a good mum.

Yeah.

So we need to change our view then of what being a good mum is.

Do we stop us feeling guilty?

Well, I think what also what we actually need to focus on rather than the.

The out, which we do automatically, is actually focusing on the in.

When are our children and when are we.

When is our family at peace?

So for some people, it might be only little snippets in the week.

Focus in on those moments.

And what is happening in those moments?

Is it actually blobbing about on a Saturday morning?

Is it, you know what, we.

We have a walk, maybe get rid of the ballet and replace that with a family walk.

I think when you start to kind of get really grounded and discover what it is that that makes the family tick as well as filling your bottle, then you start to have a bit more space and you start to go, okay, what kind of mum am I?

I mean, I know that I am a mum.

I love my small children.

I generally struggle with small children.

I find them quite overstimulating.

Even though I volunteered to do the parish All Saints party the other week with a mum who's amazing with small children.

But I said at the end, I was like, I'm glad I've done this for the parish.

I will not be doing this again next time.

I will be doing the teas and coffees because I love doing that.

That I love doing.

And I think again, as mums, we go, okay, so I'm not the baking mum, I'm not the crafting mum.

But maybe I'm the come on, let's go for a run outside mum.

Maybe I'm the, you know, just sitting down, reading a book mum.

Maybe under, come on, we're gonna go gardening mum.

And then, so focus on.

On your strengths of what mum you are.

You.

You touched earlier on my area of whole needs parenting, which is all about that connection between the mum and children.

And because you talked about, you know, just like going for a walk or it was all like, very easy things in some ways, spending some time together.

And it reminded me of the post this week I put in my group.

My confident mom's hub was my parent tip was having a meal together.

They've shown about how vital or how beneficial it is.

And a lot of families can't even do.

They can't, they can't do a meal together every day.

Yeah.

I say, well at least try and do it twice a week because this is so beneficial.

Now that is back to the connecting.

So that's a little bit back to what you were saying, that those are the crucial bits.

It isn't the baking, it isn't the, you know, doing the crafts or whatever.

It's about the quality of that connection when you're doing an activity.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And so maybe I think our focus is off of what is, you know, a good mum.

So yeah, let's not feel guilty for the things we can't do.

You're saying focus on the type of mum you are, what your strengths are.

Yeah, and use that to get your connection with your children.

Yeah, exactly.

And, and really lean into that.

And back to your point as well.

I mean connection is so important because if you are like me, the kind of mum who when the crafting happens goes, the glitter, the glitter, the scissors.

Can we put the mark pens away?

Oh, nobody's having fun.

No, no, you've lost your connection there.

There is no joy.

Whereas in my case or in our family's case, we sit down, we're reading a book, I'm doing silly voices or I'm doing play doh, you know that then I'm, then I'm there, then I'm absolutely there.

And meal times, they are.

That's a really simple way to make connection.

Food has always been such a great connector of people.

It really.

I agree that needs to be something if you can't manage it.

Most days, you know, you try one day, two days over the weekend, it's like, no, actually Saturday lunchtime and Sunday lunchtimes, they are boundaried off.

This is for the family.

We are having this time together, sitting at the table, eating together.

It's so important to have that.

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Even you just saying about reading books and doing funny voices.

See, I go straight into, why can't I be that mum?

You know, if I saw mum doing that, I'd be immediately like, no, I'm not perfect.

Because I can't do that.

Oh, no, I don't do playdough.

Isn't that interesting?

It just brings it straight back to, we keep seeing what we can't do.

As soon as we see a mum doing something we can't do, like, I'm not perfect, I can't do that.

Oh, no, what's wrong with me?

I'm not, you know, I'm not a good mum.

But actually what's quite useful about that is if you clock the mum who's like, ah, you can do the funny voices.

Ah, you enjoy baking with the children.

Let's do a play date where if you're happy to do baking and crafting, go for it.

And I would love to do the reading and the silly voices and a play or, you know, whatever it is, whatever my kind of strength is.

Yeah, in some ways you could.

And this comes back to the community, doesn't it?

Again, if you think about within a family, amongst brothers and sisters, you know, mad uncles, mad aunts and parents, grandparents, everybody brings something different to the table.

You'll have your kind of grumpy one, you can tease, then you've got the witty one, then you've got the joyful one, you've got the melancholic one and it, and it all comes together, everybody bringing something to, to that.

So coming back to the mums, we are trying as individuals to be an entire community for our children and bringing all the gifts, all the personality traits, even those we don't have, and then.

Beating ourselves up when we don't.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

So this is really cool.

We've given some really, really good ideas, also thinking that maybe some tips of kind of like where to start.

So we've said, you know, do the mum's bits that are your strengths.

Yeah.

What about if you're so exhausted you feel you can't do any of these things?

And I know we've said a meal to connect would be great.

Obviously meals can be an absolute nightmare as well.

So what would be some like, nice, simple, straightforward takeaway tips for mums so that they can, yeah.

Make.

Start making that shift of, of not feeling like they're not the perfect mum.

Okay, first thing, the phone needs to go away.

That really needs to be an intentional.

I am putting this away.

Okay.

So that, that is the first thing, be it, you know, seven o' clock in the evening, it goes off and you, your, your brain has a break.

And for the next couple of things, also put the phone away is come back to my point.

Just go for a walk with the children.

Just, it can be right.

We're just going to walk to the shops or we're going to go to walk to the park.

If you live in a town or just go for a walk, do that again.

Try and do that semi regularly.

My third option, if you are so physically exhausted, let's say, you know, new baby, toddler, you haven't slept, find some really lovely wholesome family films to watch.

So you have, you know, might be two, three, even four days on the trot where you go, we're just having movie week and you sit on the sofa smothered in children and you just hold them and you watch the film with them, phone away.

Not, not doing this whilst watching the film, but you are there with them present and you get to physically recharge but you also got that physical connection and the holding and they love it.

They just love it when, yeah, that's your time, that's.

They, they need some time with you and know, quality time, one on one without the phone is really important.

And if, yeah, all you can manage is watching a movie and if you can keep your eyes open, that is.

Yeah, exactly.

And you know what, even if you're snoozing, but they are physically close.

And that's, I mean, I remember so, so I was at that complete exhausted, you know, phase when my husband died.

I literally was like, I honestly achieving a day.

Every day I would get to like 7 or 8pm and go, oh my God, I did it.

And achieving a day was literally as much just all I do is feed the kids.

I say all.

It was massive.

They had to be fed and they had to go to school.

Well, two of them were school, two weren't.

That to me was an achievement.

There was no higher bar.

The bar was really.

How old were the children?

So you got.

So, so two were at school.

Yeah, one was one and a half and I was pregnant when my husband died.

Wow.

Wow.

And then obviously those early years of so two not at school and two at school.

Yeah, you had to get through that.

So not only was it the grief, but you had the hormones, the birth, the toddler, the baby.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Then I had the, then I had not to go on about me, but I did have the, the two year old not sleeping for, for more than two hours at a time for 42 nights.

Yes, I counted, you know, I've lived.

All these things beyond biblical, I think even, even nowhere.

It wasn't raining for more than 40 days.

So that's yes.

Well done, Vanessa.

Oh, my goodness.

That.

So it's really.

The point is bringing the bar right, right, right down.

Right.

Forget about being the baking mum, the crafting mum, all those other mums, I was the mum who literally just had to get through the day.

They had to get to bed and they had to be Fed and older 2 had to get to school.

That's a win.

That was it.

There were three aims of the day.

Only when I could achieve those, you know, like, relatively easily, did I then increase to more things than.

Yeah, yeah.

And I think that's also.

That's also an important element.

You again.

Women.

Maybe it's women, maybe it's society, I'm not sure.

But we go, no, we've got to change.

Change has to happen and everything has to change at once.

And if it doesn't, we failed.

And yet you fail because it's too much change at once.

And obviously you've got small people, you've got children that you're trying to bring along and.

And they're not so good with change either.

And it all falls apart.

I think back to your point.

Not realistic.

No, it's not realistic.

No, no.

But yet we do.

Yet we do expect.

We did massive changes.

There's brain and then there's kind of the lizardy bit of our brain that's like, no, we can do this, it'll be fine, it'll be fine.

So, yes, I think.

I think that was my.

My problem for a lot of life was expecting I could do more than I could.

Yeah.

And then putting that pressure on myself.

It's literally, to coin a phrase, setting myself up to fail.

Yeah.

Because I just kept adding on things that I couldn't possibly achieve.

Like, yeah, I can't.

If I can't bake, which I can't.

I could.

I would never be the baking mum, so why am I putting pressure on myself?

But, you know, that's just one example that we've been kind of talking about.

But there were so many things.

I had all these expectations of myself.

They weren't realistic.

And maybe if you picked one of them, you could achieve one of them.

But as mums, we want to do all of them.

So you have to totally bring the bar down.

Stop trying to expect that you can do all these things.

Yeah.

And some mums are trying to work as well.

So not only being the mum at home, doing all those high expectation things, are running at home and then you got to work as well.

Seriously, who.

Who said we supposed to be able to do all These things.

I know.

And.

And also, I mean, again, thinking about your situation as a widow, but those who are single moms, you don't have anyone to do the code blue jobs.

You've got to do the code blue jobs.

I mean, it's like the plungers, the bins, all of these things which, look, I'm sure there are ladies out there who go, oh, yes, the bins.

Most don't.

That's usually sort of handed over.

So you've got to do it all.

It's.

It's.

Yeah, I think there is.

But then we get so stuck in our own heads.

It's coming back to lack of community.

You haven't got your family around, you haven't got your mum sort of saying, you know, is this realistic?

You haven't got those voices of, I don't want to say sanity, but those voices who are grounded and who know you and can say, it's okay, you can let go.

It's going to be all right.

It's going to be all right.

So.

Well, I have to say, I. I had a doctor at one point and he said, you're trying to do too much.

I just went, oh, don't be so ridiculous, and walked out.

But then I thought about it.

So I cut down what I was doing.

I was still doing too much.

I did that so many times.

It took me, like over five years to cut down and cut down and cut down.

So if I want to leave everyone with one, like, takeaway tip is, I guarantee you're trying to do too much.

You are already doing too much.

You're trying to do more, you're trying to do too much.

Please don't even cut it down, like, because you could take five years to keep reducing it.

Just stop and say, what are my basic essentials?

What are my three things that I have to do to go, yes, I've achieved today, I am a good mom.

Yeah.

Yeah.

And.

And it's also really, if you are working or it is really carving that time out for yourself to reflect.

I think what a lot of mums also don't do, they don't have.

I call it my running away time.

So I get.

Now, granted, I'm homeschooling, so I'm at home with the children a lot.

But to say, do you know there's going to be a couple of hours a week where I just do my thing.

I'm not in the home folding or whatever it is that needs to be done.

I'm not at the supermarket.

Get.

I am out again.

If you need a walk, if a museum is your thing, if going to the gym is your thing, or in my case, just sitting in a cafe and watching the world go by, whatever it is that gives you a little bit of headspace just to have that break, if that's possible.

That's.

That's, again, really important.

Coming back to your point, you can then step out, reflect what are the simplest things?

And it is, as you say, school.

If you get your children to school, get them fed and get them to bed in one piece, you know, clean bonus.

But if they're not clean, their immune systems are going to be excellent.

So, you know, win, win, win, win.

So.

So, yeah, Brilliant.

Brilliant.

Okay, Vanessa, so have you got anything else to add to that?

No, I think that's very good.

I think that's probably enough.

Really.

Okay, I'll stop the recording now.

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