Caring for Aging Parents || A Chat with Dr. Cajetan Skowronski
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Intro
Most of us step into motherhood expecting to care for little people, but what we often forget is that, at some point, we may also begin caring upwards.
For example, an ageing parent or a grandparent becoming frailer. It’s a quiet shift from being the one who is guided… to the one who advocates and guides.
And suddenly, you’re holding both ends, from school runs and hospital appointments to lunchboxes and medication lists.
Both young children and elderly parents often at the same time.
In this episode of The Real Life. Real Kitchen Podcast, I speak with Dr. Cajetan Skowronski, a British hospital doctor specialising in geriatric medicine, stroke, and palliative care, about what is actually happening as our parents age… and how we, as mums, can support them with more confidence and clarity.
This is a thoughtful, sometimes sobering, but ultimately grounding conversation about ageing, death, and what truly matters at the end of life.
About the Guest
Cajetan Skowronski is a hospital doctor working in geriatric medicine, stroke care, and palliative care, as well as a father of four. His work focuses on treating the whole person, not just individual conditions, and supporting both patients and their families through complex medical decisions.
You can find him online:
X (Twitter): https://x.com/TradSkowronski
Episode Highlights
Why Geriatric Medicine Is About the Whole Person (Not Just the Problem)
Modern medicine is incredibly good at fixing specific things, like a blocked artery, maybe a failing kidney or a damaged joint.
But as Dr. Skowronski explains, ageing rarely presents as a single, isolated issue. Rather, it’s a tapestry of multiple conditions, layered together, alongside family dynamics, personal history, and individual priorities.
Geriatric medicine, therefore, takes a different approach.
It asks:
- What matters most to this person?
- What will actually improve their quality of life?
- And sometimes… what is better not to treat?
This is where things become more nuanced. Because in this season of life, more medical treatment is not always better treatment. And sometimes, part of caring well is recognising when to step back and be at peace.
The Hidden Challenge: Communication in Healthcare
One of the most eye-opening parts of this conversation is how often breakdowns in healthcare are not about treatment… but about communication and simple administration.
Dr. Skowronski describes a common scenario:
- A consultant doctor explains a medical plan to a patient during a ward round
- The patient, unwell and overwhelmed, doesn’t fully absorb it
- Family members arrive later and ask questions of the patient, then the nurse, then the junior doctors who have to check the medical notes and may miss key parts of the earlier conversation that were missed
- Information becomes fragmented or inconsistent
No one is at fault.
But the result is confusion, anxiety, and sometimes mistrust in both patients and their families.
His advice is both simple and empowering:
- ask for a dedicated meeting if things are unclear
- attend appointments where possible with the aged relative
- or bring another family member to help absorb information
- take notes and ask questions
Because understanding what is happening is not a luxury; it’s essential for good decision-making.
When “Fixing” Isn’t the Right Goal
We live in a culture that believes problems should be solved.
Illness should be treated.
Decline should be reversed.
Life should be prolonged.
But ageing changes the equation as a procedure that is straightforward for a 60-year-old may carry significant risk for a 90-year-old.
Dr. Skowronski explains that doctors must often weigh:
- potential benefit
- potential harm
- overall frailty
- the patient’s own wishes
And sometimes, the most compassionate choice is not to pursue aggressive treatment.
This is not about giving up. It is about choosing care that aligns with the person not just the condition.
What Is Actually Happening As We Age?
At a biological level, ageing is the accumulation of stress on the body. Cells become less efficient at repairing themselves, whilst DNA replication becomes less reliable and blood vessels narrow and stiffen over time.
This affects everything:
- energy levels
- mobility
- cognitive function
- resilience to illness
Even the healthiest 90-year-old is still, as Dr. Skowronski puts it, old.
And that reality brings with it an unavoidable truth:
Ageing is not something we fix. It is something we move through.
Why We Are So Uncomfortable With Death
One of the most striking parts of the conversation is how distant modern life has become from death.
Historically:
- people died at home
- families were present
- death was witnessed and understood
Today, many deaths happen in hospitals or care settings. And as a result, death has become unfamiliar, even frightening. Dr. Skowronski notes that even our language reflects this. We avoid the word “death” altogether, softening it, distancing ourselves from it as we so rarely see it. But in reality, for most people, particularly the elderly, death is not dramatic.
It’s gradual.
What Dying Actually Looks Like
This is perhaps one of the most important parts of the conversation, because fear often comes from not knowing.
Dr. Skowronski describes a typical dying process as:
- increased sleep and reduced wakefulness
- less movement
- reduced appetite and thirst
- gradual changes in breathing
- longer pauses between breaths
- eventual quiet stopping of breathing and heart function
In many cases, it is a peaceful process and not something to be feared in the way we often imagine. Understanding this can help families feel less anxious and more present during those final stages.
Practical Ways Mums Can Support Ageing Parents
For many listeners, this conversation will feel very real.
Because the reality is:
Many mums are now caring for both children and ageing parents.
Dr. Skowronski offers simple but powerful guidance:
- be present where possible during medical conversations
- advocate for clear communication
- understand that not every condition needs aggressive treatment
- prioritise quality of life
- consider proximity and regular contact where feasible
- recognise the value of family involvement
Perhaps most importantly, do not underestimate the value of simply being there.
Because presence matters more than perfection.
The Quiet Case for Multi-Generational Living
Running gently beneath this conversation is a bigger cultural question.
Have we separated ourselves too much from ageing, death and the natural rhythms of life?
Multi-generational living, or at least closer proximity, offers:
- support for elderly relatives
- a sense of continuity for children
- shared responsibility
- deeper family connection
It is not always easy.
But it may be more natural than the fragmented systems we currently rely on.
Quick Takeaways
- Geriatric medicine focuses on the whole person, not just individual conditions
- Communication breakdowns are a major challenge in healthcare
- More treatment is not always better treatment
- Ageing is a natural process, not something to “fix”
- Death is often gradual and peaceful, not dramatic
- Family presence and advocacy are crucial in elderly care
- Multi-generational support may offer more resilience than modern systems
Now What?
If this conversation resonated, especially if you find yourself navigating care for both children and ageing parents, I would gently encourage you to listen to the full episode:
Conversations on Aging || How Mums Can Support Their Elderly Parents
And if you know a mum who is quietly walking this same path… Please share this episode with her.
Because these are conversations we don’t have often enough, but perhaps need more than ever.
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